Hello…It’s been a long while

I have been really busy with school…and trying to have a bit of a social life. I took a month off from going out at all, then a week where I went out almost every night, and now I’m finally at that happy medium place–go out once or twice during the week and then once on the weekend, on occasion on Fri & Sat. I bought myself a pool stick and have started shooting pool (I guess I should say I started shooting again). I needed another hobby, photography is fun, but I wanted something that was a little more social. Photography is my “me time” kind of hobby. Shooting pool is my “get out and socialize” some kind of hobby.

Too much going on, and it’s late (or really early in the morning) and I’m tired…I’ll catch up on things over the next few days…

A note to my future girlfriend

Hello. It’s nice to finally meet you.  I’ve waited quite a long time for this moment, and I thought I might share a few things with you while the subtle nuances that are so important are still fresh in my mind.

The road most traveled swept me into its path

Without conscious planning I ran with it.

I ran, and I ran, and I ran

Following that path of conformity,

Blending in, participating in, while looking out

Looking, watching, wanting, almost enough

To change my direction. Yields, left turns,

Right turns, U-turns, potholes, caution lights,

Red lights, green lights, until my internal map

Knew I had lost my way. Struggling

To find my path, with or without bread crumbs,

I rocked boats, tipped a few over, swam to shore

Again and again, until exhausted, I slept.

Blanketed by visions reminiscent of childhood

I began to walk through my life, one road at a time,

Until the roads converged into one path, into one journey

A journey that has taken me to this place, this time

I am no longer lost, afraid, or alone.

No longer waiting. After a long journey

Down the wrong roads, in the wrong direction,

I found the road less traveled and began to walk.

Walking, and walking, and walking

Enjoying the view along the way. I do not know

If when I saw you I just knew, or if you just knew,

Or if neither of us knew but eventually saw.

All I do know, as I sit here sipping coffee

While writing this, is that I know that all

Roads lead me to you, to living my own life,

And here I am, and there you are,

Just where we’re supposed to be.

Dedicated to Robert Frost and his many followers

Hot tea and contemplation

I can’t sleep, and I’m going to the gym in the morning with my daughter, so I’m having a cup of chamomile tea. I know, I’m a coffee fiend, but coffee at a little after midnight when I need to get up around 7 a.m. is not a good idea–no matter how much I love coffee.

All of these thoughts are racing through my mind and I cannot shut them off. I talked with my best friend of 20+ years today and it was an interesting conversation. She’s straight, one of the most open minded people I know, and as we talked I was reminded of how very important it is to have all different types of friends, how important and valuable real friendship is. She is back in college to get her master’s degree. In one of her classes they are talking about writing, and she remembered a conversation we had about 15 years ago regarding writing a book together. She’s revamped the idea for the book and has decided that we should put together an anthology of emails, letters, etc from people regarding breakups.

We talked about how over the past decade, it seems, more and more people are breaking up with someone via email or text messages, and how rude that is. It’s surprising to me that people lack the balls/ovaries to break up with someone in person, or at least by telephone (which I still think is rude). The dynamics of relationships, whether straight or gay, are basically the same: respect, love, compassionate, tolerance, acceptance, honesty, trust, communication, passion…Yet many people seem to be missing some of those key components in their relationships. Too many people want to jump into relationships relatively quick, fast paced life and relationships, skip from actual courting to U-Hauls and people wonder why their relationships don’t last/work/blossom/grow/develop…

Over coffee and cigarettes, I’ve had numerous conversations (too many to count) with friends about relationships, breakups, exes, marriage, homosexuality, gender, cheating, friendship, trust, “self,” homophobia, heterosexuality, coming out, femme/butch/tweener, labels, etc…And if I were to have recorded those conversations and then transcribed them I’d have the perfect means to write a best seller. My recall isn’t what it used to be, so writing down all those conversations isn’t really possible, at least not accurately. However, I like her idea and I think we’re going to go for it.

My daughter just told me she’s going to the gym. She can’t sleep, is upset, and needs to work off some of her frustration/emotions/sadness. My remedy for insomnia is to write or read or watch mind candy, and have a cup of hot tea.

A weekend away

This past weekend I went to visit my family (mom, dad, brother, son). I needed a weekend away and wanted to see my family, so I headed out to the country for some fresh air and a bit of family fun. Saturday afternoon I spent time shooting my new handgun (a 22)–my brother showed me how to load it, etc, and I used one of those great bull’s eye targets and had a blast shooting it.

My nephew took pictures while my brother, dad, and son watched me shoot. Within a few tries I was hitting the target and then circles and BULLs EYE!

It’s not always easy to spend time with each person individually, but I managed to do so, though I’m not sure of how well I split up that individual and together time. Over the weekend, and the past 2 days, I’ve had a great time with my family, had a great cup of White Chocolate Mocha coffee from Starbucks, took some great pictures, and enjoyed the trip there and back home.

My daughter and I watched a movie Tuesday evening. Had an absolutely wonderful day.

Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha Venti  $5   Spending the day with my brother Priceless!

Watching a movie with my daughter in the evening  Priceless!

Pray the Gay Away????? Seriously? Really?

Tuesday night, Lisa Ling’s series on America, had an episode called “Pray the Gay Away?” on Oprah’s channel OWN. As an out of the closet, later in life, lesbian, who was married to a man, has 2 children, was raised in a Christian household I realize my views on the subject of whether or not gay can be prayed away are controversial, but my real questions are why do people feel the need to try pray the gay away to begin with, why is anyone’s sexuality anyone else’s business, why do people feel the need to judge when that is a big NO NO for Christians, and why are we still, in this day and age, using translations of the Bible that include words that didn’t even exist when the Bible was written? (By the way, the books of the Bible were written by human beings,  translated by human beings, some books of the Bible are not included in the Bible (on purpose, by the Catholic Church), and are not to be taken verbatim, literally, but are supposed to be a guide.)

I enjoyed the show, disagreed with some things, agreed with other things, and was offended by a few things. I did not choose to be gay/lesbian/bisexual (depends on your definition, on whether or not you feel the need for a label), I’ve known since I was about 6 years old that I liked girls the way most of my friends liked boys. Don’t get me wrong, I like men, have even loved a few, but I absolutely LOVE women. I am romantically, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally attracted to women. I think love is about the person not the gender. I believe in monogamy, fidelity, right and wrong, honesty, trust, respect, and GOD. I believe that God loves me and knows my heart. I believe that the “6 scriptures” in the Bible condemning homosexuality (by the way, the word did not exist when the Bible was written so who put it in there) are actually more about promiscuity, orgies, deviant behavior like those two I just listed. I believe that we are all sinners, last time I checked we were anyway, and that is exactly why God decided he would send us Jesus (who, by the way, preached love and hung out with the liars, infidels, prostitutes, lepers, thieves, etc). So if Jesus were walking amongst again who would he be walking around with?

Do you think Jesus would say homosexuals needed to pray the gay away? I don’t think so. I think Jesus is more concerned with starvation, homelessness, how we treat each other, what we are doing to our environment, to the sins of Pride, Avarice, Greed, Murder, Gluttony, Lust, and Envy. He’s probably more concerned with the Heavenly Virtues of faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, temperance, and  prudence, or the virtues of humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality, and diligence.

I’ve heard the judgments, condemnations, quotes, and spewed comments filled with hate, anger, insecurity, ignorance, confusion, prejudice…I’ve been spit on, had a gun pulled out on me, screamed at, ostracized, fired…all because I am different from the “norm.” I am not trying to convert people to homosexuality, I’m not trying to push my sexuality on anyone else, I raised my children (who are grown now and are both heterosexual) to believe in truth, honor, kindness, fairness, right and wrong, and respect–I raised them to think for themselves. Once upon a time, people thought that women were less than and not deserving of their full rights (they couldn’t own property, couldn’t vote, etc). I think we should remember that Holocaust victims were considered less than, not equal to, not deserving of…or that slavery was considered the norm, that people could be owned; or that people of different races mixing was an abomination, illegal, and not normal.

My sexuality is not fluid, it doesn’t change because of the weather, or because I’ve gone through a phase, or because I chose to live a life that includes being the object of prejudice, judgment, bullying, ostracization, unfairness, inequality, and condemnation. I think that when a person suppresses his/her own true self, when that person is not true to his/her own self, it takes its toll in that person. You can only suppress things for so long before you either explode or implode. Before it drives you crazy. I know, I tried to suppress my sexuality for 2 decades and I was miserable inside. I never felt happy, I wasn’t proud of myself or my accomplishments, I was insecure and confused and lacked self-esteem. But I was living the “normal” life, I was doing what I was supposed to do–being heterosexual.

I hope that Lisa Ling continues to cover controversial issues. While I can’t help but feel sad for those who are suppressing their real selves, who are trying to be something/someone they aren’t, and I also feel sorry for people who let ignorance, anger, confusion, judgment, self-loathing, propaganda, society, or whatever guide them. I feel worse for the people who claim to be Christians but aren’t being Christ-like at all than I do for those of us who have “come out of the closet” and face persecution or for those who have stepped back into the closet to try to fit into a mold of what other’s think they ought to be.

What I want to be when I “grow up”

I know, I’m already an adult, a grown up, but I’m still growing mentally, spiritually, emotionally…I’m still figuring things out. I’m a constant work in progress. 

“We all look for acceptance in this life. Some of us change to get it. Others cannot change so easily. We must be accepted as we are, warts and all.” From the movie The Hunger.

I searched for acceptance, I even changed to try to get it. I also suppressed parts of myself, my real self, so that I would be accepted, so that people I love wouldn’t be disappointed. The older I got, the more I realized that if I wanted real happiness in my life I had to be true to myself, but fear is a powerful thing. The pursuit of happiness comes in waves. Wave on wave I began to understand that the person I am is one that I can love, that others can love, as long as the person I am is an honest, respectful, compassionate, and honorable person then there should be no reason I wouldn’t be accepted for me.

I was both right and wrong. The more that I become in-tune with what I really want to do with my life, the more I opened up and have become more myself and less what I thought others wanted, the more I’ve realized that I’m never going to please everybody, and the harder I try to please others, even one or two others, the less me I am.

I want to run a non-profit organization, like PFLAG, LGBT, or a battered women’s shelter, or a rape crisis center. One day I’d like to open my own center. I start a volunteer training program tomorrow at a local community center. I’m going to volunteer, learn my way around, so that I can apply for a job there or at one of the other community centers. Some people are proud of me, support my decision and understand why I’m doing this, others think that I’ve lost my mind–I should be out there looking for a stable job instead of volunteering.

I want to be someone who makes a difference when I grow up. I want to help others. Being let go of my job back in November was a blessing, I just didn’t see it at first. I’m out of the “for profit” industry for good and am now headed toward the non-profit side of things so that I can fulfill my dreams, so that I can help others, so that I can make a difference.

I understand that I have to think rationally, logically, and that means that I need to take into consideration bills, etc, and I have thought about those things. With a bachelor’s degree in psychology I’ll be able to do a number of things, and I will have options. I think we have to give to get, we have to help to be helped, and as long as I’m doing good I don’t believe that there won’t be options out there. I’m smart, analytical, rational and logical. Don’t get me wrong, I tend to think more with my heart than my head sometimes, and I often wear my heart on my sleeve, but I’m not stupid and I’m not a door mat. When people assume that I can’t think for myself it makes me sad, frustrated, and more determined to achieve my goals.

Random Thoughts III

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. ~Charlie Brown

There are times in my life when I’ve seriously considered whether or not I was headed in the right direction. Since I don’t have a map for my life, I can only follow where my heart, gut, mind tell me I need to go. GPS, mapquest, etc doesn’t work for life directions. So I look at where I’ve been, where I want to go, and where I am currently at. Am I headed towards my goal(s)? Am I on the right road? Do I need to turn, do I need to stay in the direction I am going–I know I don’t need to make a U-Turn, I’ve been there and done that already.

Lately, I’ve been thinking alot about what I really want to do. Where I really want to be. I know where I don’t want to be. I know what I don’t want to do. And I know it’s time for some more change, to make further changes, to continue towards my goals, to do what I need to do in order to make my life the life I want. So why have I been hesitating? Procrastinating?

Thus, the changes I’ve been gradually making. My life is a work in progress, a continuous work in progress it seems, but I’m happy about that. I wouldn’t want my life to become stagnant–I’ve been there already, I know what that’s like. So I’m joining a gym, re-arranging things in my home and in my life, and working towards my authentic life.

I’ve been researching places I can volunteer, and since I life in a small city, or what actually seems more like  town, there really aren’t that many places. I’m eating healthier. I’ve already been exercising (at home, or walking), but I know that I need to get out of the house, so the gym it is.

I’m back in college. Finding

Be yourself…

I’ve heard this for years. Be yourself. I’m finally starting to be myself. The me that has been misplaced for way too long. The me that has finally come to terms with the loss of love, the loss of a friend, the loss of time, and finally the loss of all the negative, hindering, contradictions that were a part of my life.

Finding a way to get past, or get through, to let go, and then finally to accept all that had happened, all that I’d lost, as well as all I’d gained. I’m sitting on my bed, after a long day of painting, cleaning, moving boxes, grocery shopping, and laundry, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that joining a gym (I’ll be doing that in the morning), eating healthier (I’ve already started), going back to school (I’m taking college classes online), and spending more time with my family are all part of the positive changes in my life. I’m improving my life and am happier with my life now.

Taking a chance on me is the best thing I’ve done in a long time. It’s about doing the things I’ve wanted to do for a long while. It’s about doing what I need to do for myself. It’s about finding my way through the rest of the things I need to figure out. Here I go…living my life!

Books I’ve read lately, what I’m reading now

I just finished reading Jude Deveraux’s Lavender Morning, Days of Gold, The Scent of Jasmine, and her vook Promises.  Before that I read Patricia Cornwell’s Post Mortuary, and Dean Koontz’s book twilight eyes.  As you can tell, my tastes range in genre. I’m about to re-read Don Quixote. (My daughter is reading it for one of her college classes and I thought I’d read it as well so that we could talk about it.)

The next book on my list is The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis.  I loved the Chronicles of Narna when I was young, and enjoyed reading them again as an adult, so I know what a great author he is already. My favorite authors are: Stephen King, James Patters, Kurt Vonnegut, Saul Bellows, Anne Rice, Dean Koontz, John Sandford, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Mark Twain, and many others. I’ve read the Twilight Series, Middlesex, Poisonwood Bible, Harry Potter books, Tolkein’s Lord of the Ring’s trilogy and the Hobbit (as well as a few others), and McGuire’s Wicked Series.

I’m taking breaks in between homework exercises, and I was thinking about a post I read on a blog; the owner of the blog made a comment on one of my posts…Books are one of my outlets. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a book as a companion. I’d rather have a gift certificate for a bookstore, or a be given a book,  as a present than almost anything else I can think of.  My children are the same way. 

I love books, coffee, writing, learning, photography…Blogging has given me an opportunity to write, read, share…

I’m off to read…

A new day, new attitude

It’s Monday, and it’s a new day, a new week. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, especially the past week, and all I can think about is how I’ve really wanted to make some changes in my life, but I wasn’t sure of what I wanted, much less what changes I needed to make. Yet I knew I needed to make changes. Days went by, the days turned into weeks, and as I lived in a state that was reminscent of limbo the weeks actually turned into months. But the months aren’t going to rush past me as they turn into a year and I’ve just been living. I want to die with no regrets, or at least without anymore than I have already–though I tend not to think of them as regrets but as learning experiences.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I’m in college to finish my degree, one of my goals, one of my dreams., and I’m enjoying it. I’m also re-organizing my apartment, making room for my daughter’s things. She moved back in with me a week ago and we’ve been trying to get her things organized. I want to travel, meet new people, find a new hobby (am thinking of photography), and begin dating. I’m also thinking about joining a gym.

Making positive changes–I started by going back to college, then I re-organized things in my home, now I’m looking for a place to volunteer and am researching gyms, Zumba classes, Karate classes–something that will help me get into better shape. Getting one’s life together is actually a lot of work.